Friday, April 24, 2020
In Memoriam *trigger warning* (death,loss,sadness)
One year ago today we lost a fellow Falcon, a forever friend, a feisty student, and a first love. It was a day I won't forget, and I imagine most of you won't either.
On the heels of that tragedy came another when we lost Josh. Again, the sense of tragic loss, of unimaginable pain, and enveloping sadness.
The initial 365 days after the death of a loved one are often filled with dizzying arrays of emotional upheaval. There are all the "firsts" to get through, and there's a whole lot of attention paid to the survivors which sort of serves as a distraction for a while.
But, eventually, that stops.
Sometimes for good because death and loss make people feel uncomfortable or guilty, and lots of times they don't know how to react so it's easier for them to stay in the background.
People deal with death in *myriad ways. There is no one way that's better than another. Likewise, we deal with the anniversaries and the timehop memories differently and sometimes we want to cry and sob and lock ourselves away, and sometimes we want to gather and commemorate and make things an "EVENT" and sometimes we just want a quiet spot to share, vent or reflect.
There is no "right" way.
I can't do much to help in the first two ways, but I can offer this--the blog--a shared space that you can use to say what you need to, in whatever way that is.
BTW--this is a voluntary blog--not a mandatory one. You do not need to respond if you prefer not to.
I will post another one Monday,
*fun fact: no, that is not a typo--that is actually the way you are supposed to use the word "myriad"--there is no "a" myriad "of
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Losing Bailey was one of the hardest things I have been faced with, I have never really experienced death until him, especially no one that close to me. It's a battle I still fight everyday and there's many ways I try and cope with it. Sometimes it's sitting in the dark in my room and just letting it all out, sometimes it's writing, or saying a prayer. I even go to the site sometimes but it's hard to see where it all happened. I felt very conflicted today, because I feel like people post about it to remember him and I felt like I shouldn't post, because the relationship I had with him was more than a 10 second Snapchat. I felt at peace with the things I have done to remember him. I have written about it, talked about it in front of the class, I sent his dad Christmas gifts, I even made a Youtube video about it. I have tons of jewelry with his name and his initials on them to always have him with me. I feel at peace knowing the relationship I had with him, and I no longer feel like I need to validate that by posting or telling people about it. I know he was a big part of becoming who I am today, and I'm pretty sure I had the same impact on him. I kept him out of trouble (as much as possible), and pushed him to be the best he could be, which was never hard since that boy had the kindest hard I've ever come in contact with. Rest Easy, Bailey Christopher
ReplyDeleteWe love and miss you.
Dear Aunt Melissa,
ReplyDeleteWhew, writing this is going to make me very emotional, but it will be beneficial. First, I hope that you are proud of me, I hope that you are watching over me with a smile. Life without you isn’t easy, there are still times where I break down even though you’ve been gone for almost four years now. On every death anniversary I hold all my emotions in until I’m all alone, and then I just sob. And then there are birthdays, random conversations about you, and even milestones that create this sadness. I remember when I found out I got accepted into Central, a few months after you died, and the very first thing my mom said to me was “Aunt Melissa would’ve been so proud, she would be hyping you up right now.” Then there was the first death anniversary, I remember painting my soon to be room with my mom and Mel. Then I remember all of us talking about you and crying. We went to your grave that day, it was my first time there since the day you were put there. I broke down. I miss you so much, we all miss you so much. Not too long ago Mel called me on the phone breaking down as she was watching videos of you and Uncle Rico. She was so terrified of the thought of forgetting what your voice sounded like, and letting the image of your face slip her mind. I tried my very best to comfort her while we both talked about you and grieved, but honestly I had the same fear. I don’t want to ever forget your face, but I know that I will never forget all of the things that you’ve done for me. I am so grateful to have had a person like you to run to whenever I needed a way out of my mom’s drama. You cared for me as one of your own.. I will never forget that. I carry so much guilt for not acknowledging it, the last memory I have of you is you asking me to get you vanilla pudding as you laid in bed and now I will never look at vanilla pudding the same. I remember getting you the pudding and keeping my mom’s words in the back of my mind, “spend more time with her..” I knew what that meant, but I didn’t want to accept the fact that you were dying, in my mind you were going to come home from the hospital. I hope you can forgive me for not saying goodbye. I love you so much.